“I only care about the alcohol percentage” – that’s what you hear when someone doesn’t really know how to describe what they are tasting, or when someone is too lazy to make up adjectives for a substance that is strictly meant to relax you and slow your racing thoughts down. I am right in the middle of both extremities.

  1. Been there. Done that.

    Fat – As if the calories weren’t enough. . . wait, they aren’t. When a wine is fat it takes up all the room in your mouth and hangs or sticks in awkward places. Sounds like the struggle I have with tight jeans if you ask me.

  2. Flabby – Calling someone’s wine flabby is worse than talking about their mom. So, do it only if you have mapped out the exit signs.
  3. Grapey – Oh this one is probably just as bad as Flabby. Good quality wines should never taste like unfermented grapes.
  4. Tobacco – If you ever taste wine and that’s the first thing that comes to mind, you aren’t wrong, and you are most likely tasting Cabernet Sauvignon or a wine aged in oak barrels. This characteristic is highly desirable in a wine.
  5. Liquid Viagra – this is not a drill. This is as real as it comes. These wines have lots of ripe fruit, new oak and high alcohol and are pricey. Most of us don’t really indulge in liquid Viagra and that makes me a little bit sad.
  6. Jammy – For us plebeians, jammy is delicious; for “experts” not so much.
  7. Unctuous – Is that even a word? You say. Why yes, yes, it is. It means the wine is oily.
  8. Matchsticky – gunpowder – some people may refer this descriptor to oaked, tobacco, minerally, or charcoal.
  9. Twerky – Young and Nasty. This one I must use one day. It is my life’s dream.
  10. Forest Floor – Wines that taste like forest floor would probably be Sauvignon Blanc.

Want to stay up to date with “A Loser’s Guide to Wine”? Subscribe to get notified when new posts come out.